The holy & the hard.

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We sit at the table, worn thin from walking so precariously around one another—like on glass, dancing around all the issues because none of us have the language to talk about them, to talk about the pushing away, the protective walls we’ve built, the angry outbursts, the tears at the breakfast table, the locked doors, the concerns about affection, the trauma, the loss, the worry of getting it all wrong, the fear of rejection, the … Read the rest

Closed doors

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I keep the door to her bedroom closed.

My husband or son will open it once in a while, draw back the curtains, trying to let the light in. But there’s something that seems right and seems true for me about having it shrouded in blackness; tucked away, out of sight. Not forgotten, necessarily–but almost. It’s how my heart feels these days. Hidden. Dark. Cold.

She was supposed to be here by now. But … Read the rest

Stretch marks & silver streaks

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I found my first gray hair when I was 22. I was knee-deep in trauma and stress at the time, and I remember that I was inspecting the dark circles under my eyes when I saw it: a silver coil, right in the middle of my part. Graying early in life is hereditary, I’ve heard, and I have a memory of my Papa telling me once that his hair had started going white before he Read the rest

one word 2019: enough.

About a month ago, I started thinking about what I wanted my one word for the new year to be. I had my own ideas, of course, about how I’d like the year to go, and words like travel or beauty, family, even gather, swirled in my mind, even as I recognized those weren’t the words mine to grab hold of. See, my one word has a tendency to choose me. It comes … Read the rest

The glory of the middle parts

Wednesdays are my favorite day of the week.

I realize that, when asked, most people would say Friday, because it’s on the cusp of the weekend, or maybe even Monday, because it smells like opportunity, and setting lofty goals for the week. I used to be like that, too. But now, every Sunday evening, when I pull out the calendar and map out our family’s meetings and appointments and church services and scheduling needs, I … Read the rest

rhythms.

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I wake before the sun most mornings. I keep my eyes closed a few moments longer, relishing the dark and the quiet, the warmth of a blanket on my bare feet, my arm outstretched under a pillow.

I’ve always been an early riser, partly due to the fact I rarely stay up late in the evenings. (The exception, I think, has been the past couple of years, when Atticus’ sleep schedules have been erratic, or … Read the rest

chayah

I don’t know when it started happening, but I think it was sometime around when we took you for your first haircut. As you sat in the chair and I watched your soft baby-curls fall to the floor, I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat that had risen up unexpectedly. It’s just hair, I told myself. And it was, of course. But it was also a symbol, a metaphor; my baby was Read the rest

Where have all the lovers gone?

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Last week, my son was sick. Between the stomach virus and the ear infection, he was not a happy camper, and sleep was hard to come by in our house. Whether it was his fever or aches, the coughing or goopy eyes, he woke up consistently every one to two hours, for three or four nights straight. On top of that, my husband had just had his wisdom teeth removed, and the pain combined with … Read the rest

The Mothering Space

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My mother was my first country,
the first place I ever lived. 
(Nayyirah Waheed)

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Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and, like most of us, I’ve got some feelings about it.

It’s a day some people love and other people would rather skip over. A lot of us, I suspect, are caught somewhere in the in-between. Sometimes, it brings up painful memories surrounding our own mothers, or how we have mothered our children. Sometimes, it reminds … Read the rest

one word 2018: well

It’s that time of year again.
We’re just a few days away from January and new year’s resolutions and fresh starts, so naturally I’ve started thinking about #OneWord365 and what word I’m going to lean into in 2018. Some years, I choose the word with intentionality, a specific goal in mind. Other years, the word chooses me. It comes to me unexpectedly–the first thought upon waking in the morning or washing breakfast dishes or, … Read the rest