throughout my entire life, i’ve been the “play-it-on-the-safe-side” girl; i’m overly cautious and a meticulous planner, and i do my best to steer clear of anything that remotely resembles a risk. part of it, i’m sure, is just my personality, my nature–but it’s more than that, and i know it.
the majority of it is fear. fear of being disappointed. fear of failing. fear of looking like a fool. there are so many things i’ve let myself become afraid of that they’ve linked arms, joined forces, and now they sit like some kind of heavy boulder on my heart and soul, keeping me from all the lovely things i ache for, things like breath and freedom and life abundant.
(because fear does that, you know; holds you back, holds you down. it’s a beast of a thing, really–a deceptive, manipulative beast, always whispering hints of doubt and anxiety veiled as syrupy-sweet nothings in your ear.)
and i realized the thing about fear is that it’s nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing. something’s only really scary until you make up your mind to do it. until you take that first step. until you just decide to. and today, i just decided to. decided to tell my employer, in the interest of full disclosure, that i’m actively searching for jobs sixty miles away. decided to print out the application for grad school (though i admit, i haven’t completed it; i’m not quite there…yet). decided to browse studio apartments in a city i’ve never lived in. decided that i might not have any idea what i’m doing or the slightest clue if it’ll work out–but, also, decided i don’t want fear to keep me stuck any longer. decided the what ifs have kept me paralyzed for far too long. decided i want to be able to do hard things, brave things, worthy things, and have nothing holding me back from the joy of the experience, this messy-beautiful thing we call life. decided that the path may be crooked in some spots, but it will also be beautiful and surely just as it should be. decided that there are glorious things out there waiting for me, and decided that they are (*gasp*) worth the risk.
buh-bye, fear. and good riddance.
*Photo by Pascal // Flickr // Creative Commons